More privilege than that .01%

On the eve of yet another birthday, I thought about how my life looked in all the forms I filled out through the years: name, address, age, marital status-- how the first and last of those stayed the same while the two details in the middle kept changing like a ticker tape, especially age. I just couldn't hold on to that.

Officially I have the name I was born with because I am an unmarried single female. But when I look back, I see I've actually been in a long term relationship, a very loving and committed relationship with a man I admire and adore-- even though he can't cook a thing.  We met two weeks after my birthday 28 years ago, so our anniversary is coming up and I intend to celebrate. 

Frankly, I was looking. Those were the days before e-Harmony, Match.com, Tinder and Photoshop, so the field wasn't all that wide. I jumped when a neighbor said she'd fix me up. She sorta knew this guy and thought I might like him. She'd take me to an Open House at 7. There would be tea and cookies and a chance to talk. What more could anyone in the boonies want on a sub zero January night?

Understanding. That's what did it, what sealed the deal or dealt the seal. Not the cookies. This guy I met that night understood me--all that crazy stuff twirling around in my head and the sad subtractions of my life. Yet he wasn't screaming and running the other way. No. He was willing to stand right beside me and take out all that trash. Basically he said: we can do this together, get you on the path with me to joy and ease-- for as long as it takes. This lifetime, the next, whatever. I'm committed if you are. 

I fell hard for that. I'd been born privileged in financial and social ways, but what he offered was a way bigger privilege: perfection. Nobody before had ever told me: "You're okay, just the way you are. You just don't know it yet because other people can't see it. But I can. You're absolutely perfect. You've got everything we need. With a little cleaning and polishing,  you will start to see that. I understand you, now you have to understand me."

Relationships do take time. And vast amounts of effort. They are more than a day job. But I have been committed because this guy is the best thing that's ever happened to me. He said right out straight: You don't have to run around seeking the truth; you just have to let go of your opinions.  I am so much more nimble now without all that carry on baggage.

This guy showed me how all the not best things that had happened to me, how that Himalayan high pile of shit could turn out to be the best fertilizer anybody could have for making joy and wisdom grow. If I could lay it all out, let it rot in the light and smell it stinking to high heaven, I would discover it was actually useful for showing me what to do now. I would see how rapidly moods, lifespans and situations change, how silly anger is because it only burns you-- whoever you're angry at can't feel a thing, how getting some thing shiny you always wanted doesn't make it all better. That shininess wears off.

He taught me to throw out adverbs and adjectives like good, bad, ugly, pretty, fast, slow, even short and tall, because they were just my own insubstantial and ephemeral opinions of the moment, and more opinions were on the way. Besides everything is constantly morphing so how can it be permanently all good or all bad? What happens when a 6' man stands next to a 5' woman? You say the man is tall, right? But what if a 7' man comes up behind that six footer? Then who's short and who's tall? He showed me how to see what's really happening by just looking directly out it: no adjectives, no opinions, no shoulds. Definitely no should be. That was a real tripper-upper.

In other words, here's a guy who takes out the trash!

When he says I have to look my best, I now know he's not talking about the dye job, getting rid of the wrinkles or getting some power clothing with stiletto heels. Buddha is saying I have to look.. well... like White Tara: smiling, bright with the light of wisdom, white free of the stains of fear and lust and envy and anger, palm outstretched to manifest an open heart.

When I got into this relationship 28 years ago, I was pretty ordinary. It didn't take much to knock me over.  He said I should start by learning to be strong enough to stand straight when the waves of samsaric trouble roll over my ankles, and work up to withstanding blows as high as my knees. He taught me that most of those waves of pain and sadness came from inside me: I kept re rolling things that happened a long time ago when I really could not longer do anything about them and need to put them in the trash. He taught me that by paying keen attention to what is actually happening, not what I want to happen or fear has happened or overlaying what happened three years ago, I could be surfing waves higher than my head--although there wouldn't be that many any more.

The most incredible thing is he doesn't lie. He's been absolutely right and true all along.  Yes! A guy who doesn't insist on making things bigger than they are, but actually says it's all insubstantial, doesn't matter squat.  A double win because, as I said, he's got trash removal down pat.

Okay, there is one teensy weensy problem in the relationship. He's really big on staying awake. He doesn't like daydreaming and sleeping--things I am so good at. They are an old habits and hobbies. He keeps telling me to wake up. He's set an alarm. Wake up!  Wake up! And I'm like: Yeh sure, at what time?














~Sandy Garson "Wordsmithing to attest how the Dharma saved me from myself!"
http://www.sandygarson.com
http://yoursinthedharma.blogspot.com/
Technorati Tags: Yours In The Dharma, Sandy Garson, Dharma, Buddhist, Buddhism, Spirituality, Religion This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 2.5 License.
Click here to request Sandy Garson for reprint permission.
Yours In The Dharma 2001-2010, Sandy Garson Copyright 2001-2010 Sandy Garson All rights Reserved