How do you know for sure?

I was getting ready to talk about the big bad uh-oh when out of the blue my young Spanish friend not named Serena called. How did she know I was thinking about her, thinking to call her shortly.  "Let's meet," I said. "Where are you?" 

 "Los Angeles," she said. And then I knew this call was going to be long and juicy. It was going to be about the good uh-oh. Serena is a slow cooker who mulls and frets, considers and reconsiders, stews, stirs and constantly changes her mind in a quest for perfection. And she'd been hit by the rapid fire of love.

"I've always thought I'd be with someone very intellectual," she said, "someone committed to the mind and meditation."

"Yes, that would be great. I'm for intellectual myself. But...well...you always thought, didn't you, that you couldn't make proper paella without every ingredient being the traditional Spanish one you're used to. Remember when you came to my house and made yourself crazy because the clams weren't the ones you had back home, the chorizo was so different and Maine lobster wasn't your Spanish crayfish. You were a mess but you rose up and got over it to work with what you had and everybody lapped that paella up as the most fabulous they'd ever eaten. Do you remember that?"

Serena giggled.

"Anyway, you've done enough meditation to know what you think isn't worth the paper it's not printed on. Thoughts come and go continually, changing and reconfiguring so rapidly they don't stay long enough to matter. Life is not about what we think because what we think only distorts it."

Silence on the other end.

"So," I said, "intellectual is just something you thought up, something that has no relation to what's happening. Besides it's just a detail. Details you can improvise with, like lobster instead of crayfish. Life is improvisation, Serena, where we adjust the details. At least they're not fixed facts you can't do much about, like no clams or chorizo."

"Yes, I hear you but..."

"But from what you told me last week, the fixed facts are pretty  perfect: he comes from your country, speaks your dialect, grew up in the same family business you did, works in the field you want and is offering you a business partnership in it to boot. Plus, you said he's taller than you. (Serena is over 5'10", the long legged beanpole all women's pants are now so frustratingly designed for so that I, who am only 5' 4", can't find clothes that fit.) Maybe he'll get intellectual later. That can change." 

"Yes," she stammered, "okay but...but this is so fast. He wants me to stay here with him and go into his new business. It's so fast..."

"Not really," I said

"What do you mean?"

"Serena, you've been waiting for this at least the five years I've known you." She giggled. "Look at it carefully. You desperately wanted to quit your job but you couldn't until your immigration papers were reclassified. After costly lurches, you finally made that happen a year ago. The Green Card freed you to quit your job, but you held on, didn't you?, because you couldn't decide what to do.  Remember how many times we ran around looking for places for you to start a business and every time you changed your mind because it didn't feel right. It now seems to me, something was keeping you free for something else you didn't know about. That's why you couldn't decide.

"But finally you did decide to quit that dark cubicle. You took off to the Far East and came back home to work with your family at Christmas. Then you came back here: a clean slate. You told me what you had in mind was to cook and live at a meditation center. But from what you've been telling me, that isn't working out. You've got no offers. so it seems to me the blessing deities are keeping you from committing to the wrong thing.The universe wants you, like all the rest of us, to be a winner and it set you up like this. Can you see that?"

"Yes...well..." giggle, giggle, "but it's so fast and he's so sure... "

"Hey, how many times do you have to buy a melon to know how to pick a ripe and juicy one? The first couple times you learn how to squeeze and smell, don't you?"

"Ye...es..."

"And after a bunch of bad dates and frustrating relationships, you know quicker and quicker what's going to work or not, don't you? Your instincts get on top of things. And I don't hear you hesitating about this guy. You tell me he's handsome, he's sweet, he's kind and clever and he's getting famous in the field so he has a good future. You tell me he wants to work hard for a few years to afford time with kids and that's what you want too. 

"I think what scares you is you think he's impatient. That's what you keep telling me. I think he's impatient because he's not young any more either and he realized right away you are the one for him. So he's pushing you to admit the same so you two can get going.

"Serena, what are you so afraid of? The universe handed you a huge gift and you don't want to open the box because it seems too good to be true?  You've worked hard for this joy. You've earned it all those years in that dark cubicle and all those mornings after the guy told you you were too good for him and left. This guy thinks you are good for him! He doesn't want to leave."

"Yes, but he wants me to stay here and get started and I always wanted to have my own business in San Francisco. It's all..."

"Listen to an old lady, okay?  Your wanting to start your own business here is like that pointless yearning for a guy who is intellectual. The universe doesn't care what you think you want. It's got a bigger perspective about what you need. You have no business here right now, do you? You could never make up your mind what to do and where, could you? There was a reason for that. And now you know what it is. And you know if suddenly you decide to start anyway, you will be stuck here for several years, effectively cancelling the opportunity to enjoy this relationship. Why would you do that? Especially when he just offered you a chance to start there with his backing?"

"Yes, yes, I see that but it's all tied up with him."

"Yes, but what are you afraid of?  You told me you trust him, you have chemistry with him, you like spending time with him because you like the way he is. How else can anyone describe love?

"But I get it. So here's my big question, the big question you have to answer: if you stay in LA with this man, what exactly do you have to lose? What do you forever lose? Do you lose your friends? No.  Do you lose a chance to start your own business at last? No, you've just got more credentials for it.  Do you lose living in San Francisco? No because you can hold onto your apartment by subletting it for 6 months. That can be your security anchor if you feel you're drifting from the familiar. You need to know if you jump in, what exactly you will never have again. That's always what stops and scares us from plunging into the unknown. What will you have to give up forever?"

"Nothing," she said. "You're right. I can even keep my place. ...I knew you would help me figure this out."



~Sandy Garson "Wordsmithing to attest how the Dharma saved me from myself!"
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